Snickers

Snickers is failing. I hate to type that - it sounds so final, and it should. She is dying. She is 12 years old - pretty advanced age for a dog. She refuses to eat - she has lost 20 pounds since her last vet visit in January. Since she isn't eating, her body is consuming itself - mostly muscle, which accounts for her horrible weakness. She can barely get up from the floor from a down or a sit anymore. I refuse to make her do tricks anymore, simply because it's too painful to watch her try so hard to sit up or lay down and fail - that's the worse part. She can't do it, but she will try if I ask her to. What a good girl she is!


I have been praying alot these past two weeks. Mostly it was for Snickers to be healed. Last Wednesday, I went out at lunch and did something I've never done before - I got some cooking oil (the only oil I could find) and anointed her head as prescribed in the Bible, and prayed deeply to God for Snickers to be healed. The next day she was much much worse than before. I felt like I had pissed God off or something and He was taking it out on her. I hate to admit it, but ever since her vet visit Friday, I have been talking with God alot, and alot of it has been hateful. I feel angry that she is dying, and the only One I can think of to be angry at is God. Why does she have to suffer? Why does she have to die? Will she go to Heaven? I hate Him for taking her, and I hate myself for feeling that way. I need more prayer.

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I knew she was getting old - I have been trying to prepare myself for sometime for the inevitable. But she has gone down so fast this past month. I thought there would be more time. And I knew when it happened it would be bad - but I had no idea losing Snickers would be this horrible. Tomorrow is her last full day of life - God, that's a horrible thing to think of. And then I take her for her last ride in my car ever (and she always loves a ride in the car) - to the vet, for euthanasia (Greek for "good death" - right), or to "put her down" or "put her to sleep" - but it all boils down to one thing: Monday, I will kill my dog. It might be for the best - but still, I will kill her Monday. And that's the thought I go to sleep with tonight.